Self-Help Articles
A Relearning Touch Exercise
Problems such as sexual abuse, sexual addiction, porn addiction, medical conditions, and negative sexual experiences often result in serious sex and intimacy difficulties. Many people need to heal old hurts and undo negative habits before they can build a strong foundation for healthy sexual relating.
You can overcome difficulties and achieve meaningful and enjoyable sexual experiences by understanding basic steps in sexual recovery and healing.
The following articles written by Wendy Maltz provide general information to help get you started.
The Maltz Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction
© 1995 Wendy Maltz, LCSW, LMFC, CST
(all rights reserved)
"Only one who, tragically, has never experienced love would question whether sex can be fulfilling when love is absent. Physically satisfying, perhaps, but never fulfilling. It can never reach the depths of what we are as human beings, and what we are capable of becoming [emphasis added]. To climb the heights, sex education is not enough. We need to learn how to love."(1)
--Joseph and Lois Bird, Sexual Loving
Sexual energy is a powerful force in our society. Like water, it can be channeled for constructive, noble purposes, or left untamed to wreak potential damage and destruction. If we hope to direct sexual energy in a positive way, towards a safer society in which people have more fulfilling interpersonal experiences, we need to construct a goal-oriented paradigm that provides guidelines for evaluating sexual behavior within the context of relationships.
In my twenty years of work as a sex therapist and researcher, I have encountered thousands of people suffering from sexual problems caused by negative sexual experiences, such as, sexual addiction, sexual abuse, sexually transmitted disease, and unwanted pregnancy. These negative sexual experiences have become more prevalent in our society and are tragic consequences of mis-channeled sexual energy.(2)
It can be difficult for people who have been exposed to negative sex to conceptualize sex as potentially positive and healthy. Traditional sexuality models which focus simply on the need for consent between two adults, or on how to improve sexual pleasure, ignore the complex circumstances, distinguishing factors, and serious consequences of contemporary sexual interactions. Lacking a different way to conceptualize sex, recovering sex addicts and others may jeopardize their healing because they fail to aspire to sex that is more than a commodity or a performance.
I have developed a new model to assist in sex education, sexual addictions recovery and therapy. The Maltz Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction is an attempt to offer both men and women, regardless of sexual orientation, a progressive framework for understanding and evaluating sexual behavior. Because it describes conditions for optimum sexual interaction, it can help individuals grow and evolve as sexual beings, channeling their sexual energy toward more deeply fulfilling interpersonal experiences.
In other fields, such as psychology, we have seen the benefits of looking at human behavior according to such models. Maslow's model for the hierarchy of human needs,(3) for example, sets out a continuum along which one can progress from a foundation of safety and trust toward self-actualization. Erikson's model for the stages of human development is helpful as a tool to help us understand universal truths about growth and maturity.(4)
Why have we lacked a similar model for understanding human sexuality? Our cultural attitudes have been in the way. Until very recently in human history, information about sexuality was obscured by a moralistic, puritanical veil.(5) Prevailing social mores taught for generations that normal, healthy human sexuality was, at best, a taboo subject, and, at worst, a source of guilt and shame. The body was seen as the receptacle of sin, and sexual feelings were seen as intrinsically bad and dangerous.
During the generations when patriarchal thinking dominated our culture, women were defined as the property of men. A woman's sexual behavior, whether or not she was virginal before marriage and faithful once married, determined her worth in society. Sexual repression became a way men insured dominance over women. It was commonly assumed that women had few sexual desires or needs of their own. Another social mindset limited men's sexual behavior. Men were supposed to be in control, in charge, of sexual relating. Non-aggressive, "intimate" sexual expressions were condemned as effeminate. And only certain sexual practices--typically, those leading to procreation--were defined as acceptable. Hence, the once-common teachings that masturbation could lead to insanity, or that anal sex or homosexual sex were "perverse" or "unnatural."
According to the most rigid religious teachings, sex has been defined as only for procreation, not for pleasure. These attitudes have persisted, even though we know that humans have an awakened sexual interest well past their child bearing years. Unlike other animals, humans experience sexual desire throughout the year, not only during a mating season. Our sexuality is linked with our intrinsic human desire for love, for connection, for community.(6)
Although the notion of romantic love dates back for centuries, due to religious doctrines and cultural attitudes, it was not until the sexual revolution of the 1960s that we begin to throw off those trappings of guilt, and embrace our sexuality as something to discuss, to enjoy, to celebrate.
Perhaps, now, three decades after the sexual revolution, we have reached a time when we understand enough about sexuality, we understand enough about the possible repercussions of sexuality, and we understand enough about human growth that we can benefit from a new model for sexual relating -- a model that offers guidance, without leading us back to moralistic myopia or sexual repression. This would not have been possible 25 or 100 years ago. But given what we have learned about sexuality in recent decades, and given our increasingly egalitarian society, perhaps we are ready to move forward.
The Maltz Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction model is predicated on the notion that certain conditions shape the nature of sexual interaction -- whether it is experienced as healthy or hurtful. This way of evaluating sex according to conditions has become popular in the fields of sexual abuse,(7,8) sexual addiction,(9) and sex education.(10) Conditions such as consent, equality, respect, trust and safety lead to healthy interactions, while conditions of dishonesty, disregard for physical safety, domination, objectification and shame lead to negative interactions.
Within this model, we don't automatically judge specific sexual behaviors. Instead, we look at the context in which any behavior takes place. In a certain context, for example, spanking might be seen as lighthearted and playful, a way to enhance arousal. In another context, the same behavior could be humiliating, painful or degrading. Similarly, marital intercourse in one context could be experienced as intensely passionate, while in another, as spousal rape.
For this model, we look at both the context and the consequences of any sexual behavior. Sexual energy can unite a couple in a dance of tenderness and passion, heightening their self-awareness and strengthening their self-esteem and commitment to one another. Or, if used in a violent act like rape or humiliation, sexual energy can shatter trust and destroy one's sense of self-worth and safety.
According to the Maltz Hierarchy, sexual energy is channeled along one of two routes: the path to disintegration and disconnection, or the path to integration and connectedness (see Figure 1). The positive qualities build and intensify as one travels upward and the negative qualities build and intensify as one travels downward in the model. To help explain the hierarchy, I encourage individuals to visualize sexual energy as "ground zero," like the lobby level of a hotel. Here, sexual energy enters our lives as a benign natural force. Neither good nor bad, this energy is a continuous influx of our drives and hormones.
We each have a choice to make, in how we direct this energy. The path to disintegration, the underground levels in the hotel, leads to negative repercussions (-1: Impersonal Interaction; -2: Abusive Interaction; and -3: Violent Interaction). The path to connectedness, leading eventually to authentic intimacy, is all positive and "above ground" (+1: Role Fulfillment; +2: Making Love; +3: Authentic Sexual Intimacy). By designing the model this way, with two divergent paths, it illustrates that positive relating is distinctly separate from negative behavior (see Figure 2). Which way will we take the elevator from the lobby? On which level will we exit? We can choose how we channel our sexual energy.
Level -1: Impersonal Interaction -- This first level of destructive sex involves a lack of responsiveness to one's own, or one's partner's personal experience and safety. This is the realm in which partners operate out of ignorance, denial, callousness, and self-centeredness. Level -1 is commonly seen in situations such as engaging in unprotected sex, sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol, dishonest circumstances, legal forms of compulsive or addiction-driven sex, and sex which is endured though upsetting or painful. Regret and sexual shame are generated. Partners are depersonalized and sexually objectified. The sexual interaction ends up being at someone's expense.
In Level -1 one or both partners may act dangerously. A woman client evaluated a sexual interaction she experienced as -1 because she had unprotected sex with a stranger she met in a bar. While both she and her partner consented, the manner in which she approached the sex put herself and possibly her partner at risk of emotional and physical harm. A male client rated the extra-marital affair with his secretary as -1 because of the possible future harm that could come to him (if his secretary accused him of sexual harassment), and to his wife (when she learned of the affair), and to his secretary (if she fell in love with him).(11)
At Level -1 sexual partners are more misused and misunderstood, than intentionally abused. Because the sexual behaviors in Level -1 are legal, sex addicts may rationalize a lot of sexual acting out at this level as harmless. Individuals may find themselves stuck in this level due a wholesale adoption of societal myths, such as: Sex is uncontrollable; People are objects; Sex is a way to get love; Females should be sexually subservient to males; and, Men must adhere to rigid standards of sexual performance.
Level -1 interaction is automatically "chosen" when couples fail to insure on-going mutual consent or fail to use protection against sexually transmitted disease and unwanted pregnancy. Without mutual respect and responsibility, sex can become an act of reckless endangering with unpleasant, sometimes serious, negative consequences.
Level -2: Abusive Interaction -- At this level, sexual relating is an act of conscious domination and exploitation. One person acts to control the other person through psychological pressure or manipulation. Level -2 is commonly seen in situations of non-violent acquaintance rape, spousal rape, and incest, but can include situations of public or private humiliation. The victim, trapped in a submissive role, is seen as an object, with no options to change or control what is happening. The dominant perpetrator tricks or degrades the other person, damaging the other's self-esteem and trust in the process.
In Level -2, perpetrators often act from a position of feeling entitled to sexual contact. They frequently suffer from distorted thinking, which attempts to rationalize or deny the personal harm they cause the victim. One female client's father coerced her into sex with him during a time when she was a teenager and her mother required hospitalization. He told her that sex was her duty as the next oldest female in the family.(12)
In Level -2, communication is colored by lies, put-downs, shaming, threats, manipulation and coercion. Victims may feel paralyzed to effect change in the sexual interaction due to their innocence and fear. Because of the exploitation and coercion involved, Level -2 sexual behavior is often against the law.
Level -3: Violent Interaction -- This is the lowest, most disintegrated and disconnected level. Here, the perpetrator incorporates abusive traits from the previous level, and also strives to have absolute control over the victim. Sexual energy is purposefully employed to express rage and hostility. Sexual pleasure is rigidly defined, perverse and often ritualized. The perpetrator may operate in a preprogrammed, almost mechanical way, strongly dissociating from his or her own body. Sex organs are weapons and targets. In this level, we find warped thinking, to the extent of serious psychological disturbance and pathology. In the extreme, this is the zone inhabited by serial killers and cult abusers who sexually torture their victims for sadistic pleasure. In such cases, the perpetrator carries control to the extreme of deciding whether the victim may live or die.
These underground levels become progressively constricted. As one travels downward, the interpersonal options decrease and the negative consequences intensify. Eventually, sexual experience is merely a sideline to an act of murder.
Due to the progressive, escalating nature of sexual addiction, sex addicts can slide lower on the hierarchy, as they seek the excitement of more risky and shame-filled sexual behaviors.(13)
At lower levels, sex is not a journey that two people willingly take together, but an upsetting or traumatic ordeal imposed on one person by another. The person in the submissive role may have his or her self-image and sense of sexuality seriously damaged by the sexual experience. A person who is treated as an object may begin to see himself or herself in this way. Especially if a victim is young or lacks other life experiences for reference, these negative encounters can become primary experiences. Tragically, as a result, victims may view sex as bad and themselves as dirty or disgusting. Future sexual relationships may be wrought with fear, suspicion, and sexual shame.
People who experience negative sex may require years of therapy to overcome the emotional, sexual, legal, social, and spiritual repercussions that follow. The damage incurred on these lower levels is not limited to the couple, but resonates into the lives of family members and others in the larger community.
Now that we have looked at the worst ways sexual energy can be channeled, let's go back to the imaginary lobby and, looking upward, consider the positive expressions of sex in human relationships. Keep in mind that these "upper floors" are built on conditions of mutual choice, caring, respect and safety.
Level +1: Role Fulfillment --This is the first level on the path to connectedness, leading to enhanced self-esteem, integration and positive intimate bonding. At this first level, sexual energy is channeled in terms of social customs, typically based on well-defined gender roles. Society provides a template for such behavior, defining how partners should meet, how sexual relating is initiated and who does what to whom within the relationship. In heterosexual relationships, the male is assertive, the initiator. The female is passive. Sexual repertoire is limited, and, because the relationship is built on shared assumptions, there may be little communication.
Level +1 is often the setting for new relationships, courtship, and for couples who follow strict religious doctrines or particular cultural prescriptions. Thus a wife may agree to sex to please her husband even when she isn't feeling particularly interested. Her husband doesn't force her and she doesn't feel coerced. By participating, she gains some positive sense of herself as one who fulfills what she considers to be her wifely duty. A sense of fairness exists because the wife perceives her husband as having duties that he must honor as well. Obviously, Level +1 would not be the level of choice for feminists. They might see this sexual scenario as destined to slide downward into Level -1 and Level -2.
Still, partners can enjoy a sense of safety and satisfaction within this level of relating. They know what's expected of them, and they know which acts are acceptable and which are taboo. There is mutual respect, physical safety and commitment to a relationship. These aspects are generally positive, enhancing self-esteem. For a recovering sex addict, establishing the conditions of respect, safety and caring essential for this level, can be a major accomplishment. If we think of sex as a journey, these partners would be boarding a tour bus, with a scheduled route and destination. The predictability of their choice offers security, helping them avoid anxiety and chaos if their travels should take them to unfamiliar territory.
However, positive role fulfillment is ultimately limiting. Sex can become boring and relied on mainly for drive reduction. There's little creativity. Partners can easily get stuck in their roles, lacking opportunities to talk about or experiment with other ways of channeling their sexual energy. Thus, a man who is naturally passive forces himself to be the initiator. A woman who would be better as the initiator remains passive. They don't communicate about intimacy, or risk breaking free of their roles. Staying in Level +1 leaves couples with few options for enhancing sexual pleasure and deepening emotional intimacy.
Level +2: Making Love -- In this level of relating, the partners focus on creating mutual pleasure. They break out of prescribed roles, giving one another permission to experiment, to express individuality and creativity through intimacy. Partners share a view that sex is special, worth learning more about and enhancing. They are willing to talk about sex, to try out different positions and stimulation techniques. They may plan special times for intimacy. The sexual fulfillment needs of both partners are taken into consideration in sexual interaction.
At this level, sex becomes a celebration of the body -- recreation mixed with personal caring and sensual sharing. Through experimentation and exploring, partners learn to recognize different levels of experience that are possible in sexual pleasure. Recovering sex addicts learn they can express and receive caring through very passionate erotic touch. For inspiration, guidance or reference, couples may consult such books as The New Joy of Sex (14) or Dr. Ruth's Guide for Married Lovers.(15) This is the sex of steamy Hollywood love stories, romance novels, and soft porn. This is what many of us in the last thirty years have been led to believe is the ultimate in sexual relating.
Although they have broken free from stereotypical roles, partners on Level +2 may feel another, more subtle, pressure: to be "good lovers." They may feel they have to be able to perform, to be sexual gymnasts. They may see orgasm -- even mutual or multiple orgasms -- as a goal they are expected to reach. If they see sex as a journey, they might envision a scenic care ride, stopping at delightful resorts and gourmet restaurants enroute. They can plan their own trip, focus on pleasure, and take time on the way to their destination.
At this level, partners reveal more of themselves and are thus able to feel more intimately connected. The shared sexual enjoyment can create a pleasure bond which increases feelings of mutual caring and specialness.
Level +3: Authentic Sexual Intimacy -- This is a natural outgrowth of Levels +1 and +2, emerging from the established qualities of respect, safety, communication, mutual commitment, sensual pleasure, and love. It is the roof garden level on the top of our imaginary hotel. Authentic relating may be a momentary peak experience, or overlay a whole lovemaking experience. When it happens, there is a shared sense of a deep connection, a reverence toward the body and toward one another. During lovemaking, while enjoying sensual pleasure, partners have a consciousness of really expressing love for the other person.
When sex becomes an act of conscious loving, it can open up new dimensions in the relationship.(16) Partners may feel a spiritual connection or sense of ecstasy as their two selves merge, but are not lost in one another. Through this merging, each gains a greater sense of his or her own wholeness. While they cannot plan for these transitory moments of ecstasy and communion, partners who glimpse this level of relating draw on tools they have learned together. They feel secure and safe in the relationship. They communicate easily, knowing they are able to stop and talk at any time. They are aware of the full range of sensual activities and pleasures. They share a sense of freedom, knowing they can go where they want, together.
But rather than using sex to get to a specific place, couples recognize that the moment they are sharing on this deeper level is their destination. Emotional honesty and intimacy are more important to the total experience than how long sex lasts or whether either of them climaxes. When they are authentically in the moment with one another, they have arrived.
For the recovering sex addict, achieving this level of sexual intimacy represents a release from old psychological attachments to sex. Being real and feeling close are more important than engaging in a particular sexual activity. The power of sex has been transcended.
If sex is seen as a journey at Level +3 the options for travel are limitless. How and where a couple travels is less important than just being together with whatever they are experiencing. They open to sensual pleasures and feelings of the heart, and let the sexual energy fuel them on a magic carpet ride.
Although this model for viewing sexual relating is a hierarchy with authentic sexual relating as the pinnacle, it is also a fluid construction. Partners are never locked into only one way of relating, nor are two partners necessarily experiencing a relationship on the same level. Some examples: A couple may be making love when one partner tightly holds down the other's wrist. The other partner may communicate discomfort and ask to be released. If that does not occur, their relationship would, at that moment, shift down the hierarchy to violent sexual relating. Similarly, partners who have always stayed within prescribed roles may one day decide to experiment or talk about trying new ways of relating. Their relationship thus moves up the hierarchy, with pleasure as a new focus.
The levels in the hierarchy are not rigidly distinct. They may merge into one another, like colors in a rainbow. A moment of high arousal in making love may suddenly awaken a sense of deep honoring and shared intimacy with one's partner. Thus, a particular sexual encounter may include a combination of various attributes from different levels.
When I show this model to couples in my practice and we discuss the different ways they can channel sexual energy, they gain an awareness of the different interpersonal skills necessary at different levels of relating. For example, the nature and content of communication becomes more personal as one moves up the positive levels of the hierarchy. A recovering sex addict may need to develop skills for self-awareness and disclosure, before being able to achieve the degree of honest communication required for Level +3.
The hierarchy also provides couples in therapy with a model to help them understand where they are now, and where they may be evolving within their relationship. As couples begin to sense that they can enhance their relationship -- by learning how to move up the hierarchy -- they often experience a feeling of pride. They realize that they are progressive as a couple, and that they can progress further as they experience the pleasures of relating more authentically.
For survivors of sexual abuse, this model can help them to understand the negative repercussions of the abuse and the possibility for other, more positive kinds of sexual relating. They see graphically that sexual energy can be channeled in an entirely different direction than what they experienced during abuse. They see, for example, that arousal can occur in a context that is not tinged with shame, fear or pain. They see the possibility for sexual intimacy to be nurturing, beautiful, and life-affirming.
For victims of abuse and their partners, sexual recovery requires a level of communication and emotional honesty which goes beyond the standard in our society. Someone who has never been abused may never have developed some of these skills nor ever have expected to master them to enjoy a satisfying sex life. If, for example, a husband has been operating in a role-based model of relating he may assume that his role is to be kind to his wife, and that hers is to have sex with him whenever he initiates it. Because of cultural messages, he may assume that is how she shows her love for him. But if the woman is a survivor of abuse, she may have flashbacks triggered by his demands for sex.(17)
In recovery work a therapist may ask the husband to be patient, to listen, to respect his wife's need for comfort and safety, to develop a deeper sensitivity to her needs. This may involve communication skills he has never learned. But when he sees the hierarchy model, he may finally understand why he needs to develop such skills to help his wife relate with him sexually. The attributes he acquires higher up on the hierarchy clearly distinguish him from an offender. He also learns that the changes he makes will enable him to advance in his own sexual enjoyment and satisfaction.
In addition to its application as a tool in therapy, sexual addiction, and sexual abuse recovery work, this model can be useful in sex education. It helps people realize that the nature of our sexual behavior has to do with the choices we make. To make healthy choices and have positive experiences, we need to recognize interpersonal dynamics as much as learn safe sex practices and pleasuring skills. Similarly, since it emphasizes the differences between abusive and healthy sex, this model can also be used in rape prevention and sex offender treatment.
Another benefit of this model is that it is not based on heterosexuality. It respects different sexual orientations. Because the focus is on the interpersonal context rather than on specific behaviors, this model has universal applications for any two persons in a relationship.
Far from encouraging sexual repression, this model strives to increase our capacity for a higher level of sexual interaction. It complements recent trends in therapy that promote equality, fairness, mutual respect and deeper intimacy in relationships. The hierarchy can inspire couples to create long-lasting, more satisfying sexual lives together.
If authentic sexual relating were to be embraced as a broader social goal, imagine the benefits to our communities. Our media might offer tangible images of authentic intimacy, rather than the current focus on exploitive sex. If the skills required for authentic relating were the norm, we would reduce the likelihood that sexual energy would get channeled in destructive, violent, abusive ways. Similarly, the increased honesty in communication and respect for the body would decrease the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. All of these are sex-positive benefits, rather than a lapse into the repression of a more puritanical era.
If sex is truly like water, it is both life-sustaining and a source of tremendous energy. As a society, we are willing to plan for the quality and uses of our water. If we allow sexual energy to go undirected, we are opening the floodgates to sexual abuse and harm. We can only benefit by channeling this natural energy to positive, life-affirming purposes.
REFERENCES
1. Bird J, Bird L: Sexual Loving. Garden City, Doubleday, 1976.
2. Thirty Years. SIECUS Report 22(4), 1994.
3. Maslow A: Toward a Psychology of Being. Princeton, Van Nostrand, 1968.
4. Erikson E: Childhood and Society. New York, Norton, 1963.
5. D'Emilio J, Freedman E: Intimate Matters. New York, Harper & Row, 1988.
6. Richards D: The Moral Criticism of Law. Encino, Dickenson, 1977.
7. Maltz W, Holman B: Incest and Sexuality. Lexington, Lexington Books, 1987.
8. Maltz W: The Sexual Healing Journey. New York, HarperCollins, 1991.
9. Carnes, P: Don't Call It Love. New York, Bantum, 1991.
10. Reiss, I: Sexual Pluralism: Resolving America's Sexual Crisis.SIECUS Report, 1992.
11. Author's clinical files, 1994.
12. Ibid.
13. Carnes, P: Out of the Shadows. Minneapolis, CompCare, 1983.
14. Comfort A: The New Joy of Sex.. New York, Crown, 1991.
15. Westheimer R: Dr. Ruth's Guide for Married Lovers. New York, Warner, 1986.
16. Gramunt M: Sacred Sex. Yoga Journal, May/June: 58-140, 1994.
17. Maltz W: Identifying and Treating the Sexual Repercussions of Incest. J Sex & Marital Therapy, 14(2): 142-170, 1988.
Note: “The Maltz Hierarchy of Sexual Interaction” by Wendy Maltz, MSW, was first printed in Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, Volume 2, Number 1, 1995. Special thanks goes to Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., editor of the journal for special permission to reprint the article on www.healthysex.com.
Recognizing Problems Caused by Porn
© 2008 by Wendy and Larry Maltz for HealthySex.com
Storm clouds are building, but the porn user doesn't see them.
(illustration by Jesse Springer)
“Porn didn’t appear dangerous like other ‘bad habits.’ With gambling, you eventually run out of money. With drug use you eventually degenerate, can’t function, and become physically ill. Porn didn’t impair my driving or do things like that. I didn’t see it as consequential. There were limited physical side effects. So porn didn’t concern me. I wasn’t worried about it. I thought I had done a really good job of compartmentalizing my habit. I kept it over there behind this wall, with the door closed and the lights off. Sure there were a few muffled sounds, but I refused to see that it was causing problems. When my life fell apart and I lost my wife and job because of porn, no one saw it coming — least of all me.” Rick, a forty-two-year-old former porn user
Like Rick, many people who get sexually involved with porn have difficulty recognizing its downside. They may rationalize continuing to use porn by telling themselves it is “just harmless visual stimulation,” “safer than having a real affair,” or “something everyone is doing.” Rick justified his porn use by telling himself he could quit whenever he wanted to. “I thought of porn as fun entertainment,” he said, “just a little something I deserved, because I worked so hard.” Unfortunately, his rationalizations couldn’t save him when his marriage deteriorated because of his emotional distancing and dishonesty due to his porn use, and later when he was caught using porn at work.
Looking back on how porn eventually altered his thinking and his behavior to such a degree that it put everything he valued in jeopardy, Rick wished he had paid more attention to the “muffled sounds” and early warning signs that indicated porn was harming his life. “I learned the hard way how powerful porn can be,” he said. “It can be as compelling and life-altering as any hard drug. If only I’d seen what was happening and gotten help before I let it hurt me. I’m sharing my story now because I want to spare other people the pain I went through.”
While some people go through life using porn without it affecting them in any serious negative way, a growing number are reporting problems. For instance, of the estimated 40 million people who regularly access Internet porn in the US, as many as half self-report some type of negative consequences. And 8 to 15% of regular porn users describe their porn use as compulsive and having a significantly harmful impact on their lives.
A powerful product
Porn today is more prevalent and potent than the porn of the past. Since Playboy magazine was launched in 1952, pornography has gone through many transformations that have made it more available, private, affordable, action-oriented, and extreme. A teenager today can see more porn in five minutes over the Internet than his grandpa saw in his whole life. And much of the content that was considered “hardcore” twenty years ago is tame when compared to the anything-goes, extreme images that are just a click of the mouse away on a computer.
Whether or not porn creates serious problems depends to a large extent on how much, how often, and under what circumstances a person is using porn; the type of porn involved, and the emotional impact of porn use on an intimate partner. For example, compulsively and secretively masturbating to violent, degrading or child pornography has the potential to cause more serious consequences than, say, occasionally watching erotic films with a lover in which the material being viewed is mutually acceptable and is being used as a prelude to sexual intimacy.
Serious consequences
Porn can be as powerfully addictive as using hard drugs. It creates a triple feel-good cocktail. It can sexually excite, create a fantasy escape, and through orgasm facilitate a feeling of relaxation. Like a drug, regular porn use can alter brain and body chemistry, create a dependency on it, and lead to withdrawal effects when a person tries to quit. Today’s high-tech, push-the-button delivery systems, such as computers, cable television, and cell-phones, add to porn’s addictive potential by presenting stimulating game-like ways to instantly contact an unlimited amount of it.
Using porn can also be as destructive as having an affair. In 2003, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that compulsive Internet use had played a significant role in divorces in the past year, and over 50 percent of those cases involved pornography. Eight years prior, pornography had an almost nonexistent role in divorce. A large percentage of female partners of porn users are disgusted by porn, see it as disrespectful and degrading to women, or consider private porn use as “cheating.”
Besides having a strong potential to create addiction and relationship problems, using porn can significantly harm a person’s sexuality. Contrary to popular myth that porn use will enhance a sexual relationship, a third of all men say regular porn use makes sex with a real life partner less arousing. Over time, porn directs sexual energy and desires away from sexual closeness with a real life partner, and toward itself. And, it also can bend and shape sexual interests in directions toward risky, unloving, harmful, and illegal sexual behaviors, further compromising the porn user’s health and welfare.
Porn use can also damage a person’s mental health, physical well-being, family life, self-esteem, social relationships, and work. As their emotional and sexual attachment to porn deepens, many porn users become more self-centered, defensive about, and preoccupied with porn. They may lie to cover-up porn use and pull away from friends and family. Sleep disorders and other health problems can emerge. Emotional problems include feeling irritable and quick to anger, experiencing increased feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and self-loathing. The consequences of a porn habit can eventually spill into harming a person’s work life and career. Two out of three companies discipline employees for misusing the Internet at work, and pornography is the cause in over 40 percent of these cases.
[For a more detailed list of potential problems caused by porn see our free poster download, “The Hazards of Porn”. You may also want to refer to Chapter Four in The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography for a fuller explanation of the negative consequences of porn.]
Has porn become a problem for you?
If you are a porn user, the following “Porn Problems Checklist” can help you determine whether or in what ways porn use may be negatively impacting your life. This inventory list can serve as a beginning step in self-evaluation. Although some of these items may be attributed to factors and influences other than porn use, the more items you check, the more significantly porn may be causing, or threatening to cause, problems for you. We recommend you discuss your answers and concerns about pornography with a health care professional in your local area.
THE PORN PROBLEMS CHECKLIST
(HealthySex.com)
Put a check (x) next to each item with which you agree:
___ I lie to protect my porn use.
___ I am spending large amounts of time thinking about or using porn.
___ I have become self-absorbed and self-centered.
___ I feel alienated from family, friends and/or an intimate partner.
___ I feel guilty about using porn.
___ I am filled with shame and self-loathing about my porn use.
___ I am often angry and irritated with others.
___ I have diminished integrity and self-worth.
___ I am not getting enough sleep and/or sleeping poorly.
___ I maintain hidden stashes of porn that could get me in trouble if found.
___ I am unable to feel good unless I use porn.
___ I feel depressed much of the time.
___ I feel stressed and anxious much of the time.
___ I can’t stop myself from sexually objectifying other people.
___ I have difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate sexual relationship.
___ I am often afraid of having my porn use discovered.
___ I am engaging in sexually compulsive or addictive behavior.
___ I have difficulty managing and/or limiting my porn use.
___ I ignore or fail to complete house, job or school responsibilities.
___ I have compromised my school, career and work opportunities because of porn.
___ I neglect family and/or important social relationships.
___ I am exposing minors to pornography or contributing to possible exposure.
___ I am unable to be completely honest with my intimate partner.
___ I become defensive when confronted about porn activities.
___ I am using porn even though I know it bothers my partner (or someone else).
___ I have difficulty becoming or staying sexually aroused with a real partner.
___ I have difficulty distinguishing between sexual fantasy and reality.
Porn recovery
As with other health concerns, the sooner a person is able to recognize problems and get help, the easier it is to address them. Recovery involves admitting the problem, seeking out support for making healthy changes, addressing the problems porn has created, and learning new, healthier approaches to sex and relationship intimacy. Our book, The Porn Trap offers many ideas for accomplishing these goals and provides a roadmap to successful healing and long-term recovery.
Quitting porn is not easy. It can feel similar to giving up a drug habit or leaving an established sexual relationship with an intimate partner. Success occurs for people who get clear on life priorities, secure strong support systems, and develop strategies for dealing effectively with porn cravings and desires. People who are in couple relationships often benefit from working together with their partner to rebuild trust and learn new approaches to sex. In time, it is possible to overcome the hold porn may have on you. As Rick said, “Since I’ve stopped using porn I feel better about myself mentally and sexually. Porn’s no longer ruling my life. I’m more confident and optimistic about my future.”
___________
If you are the intimate partner of someone who is heavily into pornography, you may be interested in reading a May 2008 interview Wendy gave for the website Porn Addict Hubby.
Sexual Healing from Sexual Abuse
--Advice for Adult Survivors--
©2007 by Wendy Maltz, LCSW
“I hate sex. It feels like invasion of myself and my body by someone else. Life would be great if no one ever expected me to be sexual again.”---Tina, raped by her father as a child.
“My penis and my heart feel disconnected. I use sex as a way to blot out pain when I’m feeling down. Masturbation is a lot easier than having sex with my wife. She wants a lot of kissing and hugging and I’m uncomfortable with all that closeness.” --Jack, molested by a neighbor as a young teen.
Like Tina and Jack, many survivors of sexual abuse suffer from a variety of sexual problems. And it’s no wonder. Sexual abuse is not only a betrayal of human trust and affection, but it is, by definition---an attack on a person’s sexuality.
Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are. Our sexuality has to do with how we feel about being male or female, and how comfortable we are with our body, our genitals, and our sexual thoughts, expressions, and relationships.
When you were sexually abused--- whether you suffered a gentle seduction by a loved relative or a violent rape by a stranger--- your view and experience of your sexuality were effected by what happened to you.
The good news is that a variety of effective healing techniques now exist to help survivors overcome the sexual repercussions caused by abuse.
What are the sexual problems caused by sexual abuse? The ten most common sexual symptoms of sexual abuse are:
1. avoiding or being afraid of sex
2. approaching sex as an obligation
3. experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
4. having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
5. feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
6. experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
7. engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
8. experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
9. experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
10.experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties
What is sexual healing? Sexual healing is an empowering process in which you reclaim your sexuality as both positive and pleasurable. It involves using special healing strategies and techniques to actively change sexual attitudes and behaviors which resulted from the abuse. The process of sexual healing often includes: gaining a deeper understanding of what happened and how it influenced your sexuality, increasing your body and self-awareness, developing a positive sense of your sexuality, and learning new skills for experiencing touch and sexual sharing in safe, life-affirming ways.
Sexual healing can take several months to several years, or more, to accomplish. It is considered advanced recovery work and thus, best undertaken only after a survivor is in a stable and safe lifestyle and has addressed more general effects of sexual abuse, such as depression, anger, self-blame, and trust concerns.
There are different levels of sexual healing work that a survivor can pursue; from simply reading about recovery to engaging in a series of progressive exercises, called “relearning touch techniques.” These exercises provide opportunities to practice a new approach to intimate touch. While some survivors are able to progress in sexual healing on their own, others find it essential to enlist the guidance and support of a trained mental health practitioner. Professional care is recommended because of the high possibility that sexual healing will stir up traumatic memories and feelings.
You don’t need to be in a relationship to do sexual healing work. Some exercises are designed for single survivors. However, if you have a partner, your partner needs to become educated about the sexual repercussions of abuse and learn strategies for participating actively and effectively in the healing process.
Here are some ideas for how to get started in sexual healing:
1. Learn about healthy sexuality
The first step in sexual healing is to learn to distinguish abusive type sex from healthy sex. If you commonly use words like, “bad,” “dirty.” “overwhelming,” “frightening,” “hurtful,” and “secretive” to describe sex, you need to realize that these are descriptive of “sexual abuse.” Healthy sexuality is something very different. It is characterized by choice, consent, equality, respect, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy, and sensual enjoyment.
In the books that you read and the movies you watch, decrease your exposure to abusive sex images and increase your exposure to examples of sex in which partners are responsible and express love and caring for each other.
2. See yourself as separate from what was done to you
We are all born sexually innocent. Due to sexual abuse or subsequent sexual behavior, you may erroneously believe that, sexually, you are bad, damaged goods, or merely a sexual object for someone else’s use.
Let the past be past, and give yourself a healthy sexual future. You are not strapped to the negative labels an offender may have called you or to the way you saw yourself as a result of the abuse. Now you have choice and can assert your true self with others. Old labels will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways that reinforce them.
3. Stop sexual behaviors that are part of the problem
You can’t build a new foundation for healthy sex until you’ve gotten rid of sexual behaviors that could undermine healing. Sexual behaviors that need to go, typically include: having sex when you don’t want to, unsafe and risky sex, extramarital affairs, promiscuous sex, violent/degrading sex, compulsive sex, and engaging in abusive sexual fantasies. If you can’t do it on your own, seek help from 12-step programs and other supports. It takes time to break old habits and learn how to channel sexual energy in ways that nurture the body as well as the soul.
4. Learn to handle automatic reactions to touch
Many survivors encounter unpleasant automatic reactions to touch and sex, such as: flashbacks of the abuse, fleeting thoughts of the offender, or strange reactions to something a sexual partner does or says during lovemaking. While these reactions are common, unavoidable, even protective, results of trauma, years later they can get in the way of enjoying sex. By developing understanding and patience you can learn to handle them effectively.
When you experience an unwanted reaction to touch, stop and become more consciously aware of the reaction. Then calm your self physically with slow breathing, self-massage and relaxation techniques. As soon as you can, affirm your present reality by reminding yourself of who you are now and that you have many options. You may also want to alter the activity in some way to make it more comfortable. Automatic reactions will diminish over time you become more aware of and responsive to them.
5. Familiarize yourself with touch techniques
You can use special touch exercises to help you relearn intimate touch in a safe and relaxed way. Different from traditional sex therapy techniques (which can be overwhelming to survivors), the “relearning touch” techniques provide a wide assortment of exercises from which to choose, as you feel ready. You can do some relearning touch exercises on your own, while others require a partner. (Detailed descriptions of the exercises can be found in Wendy’s book, The Sexual Healing Journey, and video, “Relearning Touch” -- to order call 1-800-678-3455).
These exercises help you develop skills such as: feeling relaxed with touch, breathing comfortably, staying present, communicating with a partner, having fun, and expressing and receiving love through physical contact. The exercises are progressive and follow a sequence from playful, non-sexual touch to sensual, pleasuring touch activities. When necessary, you can address specific sexual problems, such as orgasmic and erectile difficulties, by modifying standard sex therapy techniques using the new skills acquired in relearning touch.
You can repair the damage done to you in the past. You can look forward to a new surge of self-respect, personal contentment, and emotional intimacy. When you reclaim your sexuality, you reclaim yourself.
Healing Unwanted Sexual Fantasies
Article by Wendy Maltz LCSW
© 2001/2007 Wendy Maltz
Sexual fantasies are universal
Like dreaming, sexual fantasizing is a natural and normal part of being human. Approximately 95 percent of men and women report having sexual fantasies. Sexual fantasies occur during day dreaming, masturbation, and sexual activity with a partner. For most people, sexual fantasizing is a healthy aspect of being sexually alive. Fantasies reduce anxiety, while increasing sexual interest and enjoyment. They can function in many positive ways, such as by stimulating sex drive, improving self-esteem, and enhancing intimacy with a partner. People report that their most satisfying sexual fantasies are arousing, fun, and within their conscious control.
When fantasies are disturbing
Many people are bothered by fantasies that intrude on sexual experiences like unwanted guests at a party. These fantasies are upsetting because they do not feel optional and within one’s control. They often contain erotic thoughts and images that are disturbing to the person having the fantasy. For example, a person may be upset by a fantasy that involves hurtful sexual activities or sex with a person they dislike. Unwanted sexual fantasies are also disturbing in that people may become dependent on them for arousal and sexual release. Being stuck with a troubling fantasy is definitely not fun. These unwelcome and unwanted erotic thoughts are the nightmares of sexual fantasies.
If left untreated, unwanted sexual fantasies can cause many problems. They can lower self-esteem, lead to risky sexual behavior, cause sexual functioning problems, and harm intimacy with a partner.
Where fantasies come from and what they mean
Unwanted sexual fantasies often result from upsetting relationships and disturbing sexual experiences one had in the past. Similar to nightmares, unwanted sexual fantasies often represent unconscious attempts to resolve feelings that resulted from experiences of human aggression, betrayal, abandonment, and exploitation. They temporarily help people escape from emotions that inhibit sexual functioning, such as such as fear, anger, shame, and powerlessness.
Not surprisingly, a large number of people who were sexually victimized in the past report being troubled by unwanted sexual fantasies. (See The Sexual Healing Journey) One research study found that females who have been molested tend to have more fantasies of being forced or dominated, than their non-abused peers. And the more extreme and violent the abuse, the more likely a survivor of sexual abuse will have sexual fantasies of being forced in sex or forcing someone else in sex.
How to get rid of unwanted sexual fantasies
A number of effective techniques now exist for helping men and women get rid of sexual fantasies they find disturbing. These techniques are described in Wendy’s book, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies. They include:
• Analyzing the fantasy. This strategy involves looking closely at the contents of an unwanted sexual fantasy from many angles until a person finds what core confusion or unresolved emotional issue it represents. Specific techniques may include drawing or diagramming the fantasy, and exploring the characters, plot, themes, and relationships it contains.
• Reducing the need for the fantasy.This strategy involves identifying and practicing those things that make a person less susceptible to a fantasy’s intrusion. One way to accomplish this is to reduce stress by setting aside more time for sexual experiences. Another is to remove the pressure to climax in a sexual encounter and focus instead on sensual pleasuring and emotional closeness. Increasing sexual stimulation through other means such as deep breathing, erotic movement and unpressured foreplay can also help.
• Disrupting the function. In this strategy a person seriously interferes with the ability of the unwanted sexual fantasy to arouse. Usually this involves stopping sexual activity whenever the fantasy is present and only resuming activity when one feels relaxed and able to be present in sex without it. Rendered ineffectual, the fantasy eventually becomes extinct.
• Transforming the fantasy. This strategy involves bending the contents of the fantasy to reflect healthy dynamics in sexual relating. Details in the fantasy changed. Negative elements are slowly replaced by more positive images and ideas. Bondage with ropes becomes bondage with big spaghetti noodles. Sex between a minor and an older adult becomes sex between two adults of differing ages, and so forth. The key to transforming an unwanted sexual fantasy is to maintain erotic sensory elements while shifting towards the healthier conditions for sexuality (see the CERTS conditions for Healthy Sex).
Healing unwanted sexual fantasies allows a person to free their sexuality from burdensome emotional conflicts related to the past. When sexual fantasies are fun and optional people are able to enjoy them in new ways – ways that enhance self-esteem, intimacy, and sensual pleasure.
(To learn more about the power of erotic thoughts and healing unwanted sexual fantasies see Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, coauthored with Suzie Boss and published in 2007 by BookSurge.)
Staying Hot and Sexy in Midlife
by Wendy Maltz LCSW
© 1999 Wendy Maltz, all rights reserved
One day a few years ago, I was standing in line at a little bakery in Cannon Beach, Oregon thinking about the fact that I hadn’t had a period for months and worrying what that would mean for my sexuality. In front of me in line was a couple wearing matching blue jean jackets and hats, and barely able to keep their hands off each other. She had her arm around his waist under his jacket, rubbing up and down on his back, his hand gently massaged her butt. They giggled like school kids. Ah, young love, I thought to myself. Their sexual energy was palpable and I was more than a little envious. Just then they took off their hats and turned around. These young lovers, these school kids must have been at least 70-something! Her hair was white, his a distant memory. They were both wearing gold and turquoise jewelry against their wrinkled skin. And, oh, those smiles. Smiles that said “We had sex this morning!”
That day in the bakery I had come face to face with a woman at least 25 years older than me and experienced first-hand the strength of her sexual energy. The experience went a long way towards reassuring me that, regardless of all the hormone and desire fluctuations of menopause, as a midlife woman my sexual future can be as bright as I choose to make it.
As a marriage therapist with over 20 years experience treating sex and intimacy concerns I know that maintaining a good sex life has a lot to do with getting accurate information about what’s going on, developing positive attitudes, having access to helpful interventions, and learning new behaviors that can be put into play when needed. The biggest thing we have to fear is not the natural sexual change that our bodies go through, but the tendency many of us have to ignore sexual concerns, due to feeling embarrassed about sex. Our self-inflicted isolation can produce a lot of needless suffering and missed opportunities for pleasure.
Several years ago (following my experience in the Cannon Beach bakery no doubt), I became fascinated with researching and passing on to other women, the secrets to staying sexually vibrant forever. Here are a few key ideas that can I discovered can empower all women who want to stay hot and sexy forever.
Sex is ageless
Unlike other species, we humans have a sexuality that can last way beyond the years of fertility and procreation. In fact, barring serious health problems, we have the ability to stay sexually active (with or without a partner) until we die. Freda, an 87-year-old poet, told me that she enjoys pleasuring herself to orgasm everyday imagining a man with an big erection wanting to make love to her. “You never lose your fancies,” Freda chuckled, “Your fancies never die.”
Numerous sexuality surveys reveal that many people in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond, continue to enjoy sex regularly. One third of post menopause women report no change in their sex lives, and another third say their sexual experiences have actually improved with age. Consider: no messy periods, more privacy at home, more time to develop intimacy and enjoy sensual moments.
Women who report a decrease in sexual satisfaction, usually attribute this change for the worse to vaginal dryness, lack of a partner, health problems, and relationship difficulties (including sexual problems the partner is experiencing, such as impotence). Sometimes problems result when estrogen hormone levels fall and produce symptoms, such as night sweats, hot flashes, skin sensitivity and vaginal atrophy which interfere with sexual enjoyment. Similarly, unusually low levels of testosterone can decrease sexual fantasies and diminish desire. (A wide variety of traditional and alternative medicine options now exist for addressing these concerns.)
We humans have the privilege of being a species who can, theoretically, continue to experience different stages of sexual arousal, such as, excitement and orgasm, indefinitely. As with any physical response (be it seeing, hearing or jumping rope), though, we can expect some gradual slowing down and natural weakening as time goes on. Actor Jack Lemmon once quipped, “After a certain age, I found out not only did it take twice as long to rev up my motor, but it stalled frequently.” The trick is to learn to accept and adjust to changes rather than giving up on sex altogether because it’s different than it was when we were younger. Midlife actress Mae West once said, “Fifty men outside? I’m feeling a little tired. Send ten of them home.”
Sexual fitness makes a difference
Good sex has a lot to do with stamina, flexibility and blood flow. Thus, keeping yourself in general good health---by eating well and exercising regularly--may be the most important thing you do to keep sex alive as you age. Low-fat, high fiber eating in small amounts throughout the day can help you have more energy and ward off that sluggish, uncomfortable (I’d rather sleep than make love) feeling. And if you want choice in lovemaking positions and want to be physically spontaneous and intense at times, you will probably need to practice a variety of exercise styles. For instance, yoga for flexibility, weight training for strength, and aerobics for stamina. One recent study showed that a good workout on an exercise bike increased sexual interest in women more than a candlelit dinner. The more blood flow to your genitals, the healthier they will be and more you will feel.
But your biceps and thighs aren’t the only muscles in your body that need continued exercise and attention for good sex. You need to keep your pubococcygeus muscle--or PC muscle, for short-- in shape. In animals, the PC is the muscle that wags the tail. In women and men, it’s the muscle that contracts when we climax. The PC muscle is a hammock-like muscle that extends from the pubic bone to the coccyx (tail bone). Also known as the “love muscle”, the PC holds up our sex organs. When it is thick and strong it gives good support (and keeps us from peeing when we laugh or cough) and when it is weak, it can reduce pelvic blood flow and cause weak orgasms or no orgasms at all (not to mention more than a few stains in our underwear!)
To keep your PC muscle strong for enjoyable sex, you will need to exercise it frequently--ideally, daily, for the rest of your life! No, I’m not kidding. This one belongs right up there with flossing and bathing regularly. The standard PC exercise consists of TIGHTENING, HOLDING, and RELAXING the muscle over and over again--- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly,--- for up to 100 times a day. Also known as “kegel exercises” these PC exercises are effective in treating urinary incontinence and improving recovery after childbirth. Many women have told me that they experience stronger, longer-lasting orgasms when their PC’s are in shape. [Detailed descriptions of the kegel exercises can be found in many childbirth and women’s sexuality books.] PC exercises can be tedious and time-consuming. Women who do them regularly have learned to integrate them in with activities such as driving, talking on the phone, or watching TV. You may also find at times that a few sets of PC exercises will increase sexual arousal. Thus, they can be great to do when waiting for your lover to join you in bed or during a candlelit dinner.
Comfortable settings, comfortable vaginas
The older we get, the more we need to focus on being comfortable in sex. It can help to create settings for lovemaking and self-pleasuring that are relaxed and relatively stress free. Take the phone off the hook. Turn on some soft music. Give yourself lots of time. Make sure you have lots of privacy.
It’s important to identify what you need to feel more comfortable sexually and then give yourself permission take action. Mattie, a 52 year old, self-described hot and sexy midlifer, keeps a wide variety of different size and shape pillows near her bed. This way she has them handing when making love to prop up a hip or a lover’s head. Joan, a woman in her mid-forties, suddenly developed a self-consciousness about her own vaginal odor. This new anxiety made it difficult to touch herself at night. To remedy this she created a ritual of gently cleansing her vaginal opening and lips before retiring to bed.
But it’s not just external comforts you’ll need to address in active ways. You’ll need to be sensitive and responsive to how your body is feeling on the inside during sex, as well. Vaginal dryness and discomfort are concerns of many midlife women from time to time. It is natural for vaginal lubrication to diminish some as we age and fluctuate according to our levels of stress and hormonal changes.
Continuing to have sex when you feel uncomfortable inside could damage tissues, or at the very least, promote negative feelings about sex. Because menopausal women are more susceptible to bladder and vaginal infections, it’s a good idea to consult a health care professional to determine what is causing the discomfort and get you started on appropriate treatments. A lot of problems with vaginal dryness can be remedied by keeping lubricants, such as Astroglide and Creme de la femme, handy and using them liberally during lovemaking.
More serious problems with vaginal dryness and soreness can be effectively treated with hormone creams that are applied directly to the vaginal tissues. When Toby, a 49 year old who had been skipping periods for several years, consulted her doctor, she was surprised to learn that her vaginal discomfort and dryness problems could be traced to visible changes in the cushioning layers of her vagina. She went on a program of inserting .5 gram of estriol cream (from a compounding pharmacy) twice a week. It plumped up the tissues to where she rarely needs to use lubricant anymore. Toby says, “I feel like I’m 25 again. . . that is, on the inside, where it counts!”
It’s time for new thoughts and a few new moves
Keeping sex alive involves being able to make adjustments, as they are needed, in the way you think about sex and the way you experience it. We need to move away from thinking that we have to look a certain way (ie. like a Playboy bunny, or even like Goldie Hawn at 55) to be active and enjoy sex. Good sex is not a matter of how you look, but rather depends on how you feel and what you choose to do. Women of any age are sexy when we accept and appreciate our incredible bodies, and tune into enjoying touch and other sensual pleasures. Now is a great time to put on those silk sheets, light up in an assortment of scented candles, and spend an afternoon with your lover and a jar of chocolate body paint.
The willingness to be creative and open to new things is one of the best ways to keep sexuality alive for years. Studies show that the couples who have satisfying long-term sex lives are those who are open to experimentation. Novelty creates excitement. Anticipation builds arousal. We can go wild wondering what might happen next.
Vibrators, sex toys, erotica, and even romance novels, can add to excitement and help get the juices flowing. There are some new “natural contours” vibrators on the market that look like modern art and purr softly (and wouldn’t scare a grandchild who happened to find one lying about). [footnote, Natural Contours 1-800-456-LOVE; also, www.sexualhealth.com sells sex toys and vibrators on-line]. Romance writers, such as Susan Johnson (Blaze, Pure Sin), Nora Roberts (her Dream Trilogy), and Mary Jo Putney (her Silk Trilogy), offer stories of strong women with strong desires, and, thankfully, no shame. (You can also find inspirations in my best-selling anthologies of contemporary poetry: Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love and Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure).
As physical problems surface now and then, having a variety of activities to choose from can enable us to stay sexually active. If one thing doesn’t work, you don’t roll over and go to sleep, you try something else. I recommend couples experiment with a “side-by-side” or “scissors” sexual position in which both partners are reclining next to each other rather than one person being on top of the other. (The man rolls on his side towards the woman. She lies on her back, and drapes one or both legs over his hips so he can enter from the side). These alternative positions can be less stressful when people are tired, stressed or their bodies ache for one reason or another.
Similarly, oral sex can become more important as we age. Men may slow down in their ability to get and maintain an erection. They often need more stimulation to inspire action and response. Erectile difficulties matter less when women have another option for sexual release. And, it’s important to know that men can climax even without becoming erect. Since many physical sexual problems are made worse by anxiety, exercising alternatives modes for mutual pleasure can hasten sexual recovery.
It’s a good idea to do a little soul searching when you are considering something new that you aren’t sure about. Rachel, a 52 year old woman who is actively dating says, “Whenever I come up with a new idea, be it wearing a shorter skirt or tickling my nipples in front of a new partner, I always ask myself first: Does this go against my personal values? Am I feeling healthy excitement or dreadful anxiety? While I want to be open to new things, I don’t want to do anything that will hurt me or anyone else.”
Sexual changes are inevitable but they are not insurmountable. With good information, medical interventions when needed, and a lively and creative approach to sexual sharing we can go on to enjoy this rewarding part of life for many years to come. With a gleam in her eyes, Alicia, a woman in her mid-fifties, told me: “I’m looking forward to being bolder and taking the lead more with my partner. I’m looking forward to our sexual relationship deepening. I’m looking forward to being more flouncy. I’m going to get a feather boa. I’m going to be a hussy!”